Month: April 2012

New Parenting Rule When Your Child Keeps Wanting to Sleep in Your Bed

When the Parent’s Sleep Takes Priority…

First off, this new rule does not apply to Night Terror issues. For night terrors, the child’s need is more important. With that said, when the kid is just wanting to come sleep in your bed and IS NOT experiencing night terrors – the parent’s sleep is more important.

Sit with the child and tell him/her that there is going to be a new rule. When the kiddo wakes up during the night, they may come to your room and SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.

Go through this process ahead of time with your child and even practice it. Practicing this can actually be really fun because you can pretend it is night time, pretends to go to sleep and wake up, etc.…

The New Sleeping Rule

  • During practice time, ask the child which side of the bed (on the FLOOR) they want to sleep on (share control).
  • Then talk about the hallway and get a nightlight if you do not have one, let them pick it out at the store (more shared control).
  • Then when the child goes to bed, remind them IF they wake up, they can walk down the hall and sleep on the FLOOR. Encourage your kiddo to bring their blanket and pillow if they want it (be sure to use this in the practice time).

How This Sleeping Rule Will Work

The key here is that by making it less easy/comfortable, you are encouraging them to grow out of the activity. Most children do this when there is a big change or transition (summer time, Kindergarten, Middle school, etc.) They usually stop doing the visits when they are 14 or so. As long as you are OK with them sleeping in your room (on the floor, again don’t make is too nice for them).

The key is that you are meeting their needs (scared, lonely) but with limits on their wants. Be sure to stay calm. Hopefully they will get good at it and not even wake you up.

Some Things to Remember:

  • Practice ahead of time
  • Remind the Child at bedtime
  • If the child complains during the night offer them a choice of how they want to sleep on the floor.
  • If the struggle continues, you can tell them that its an “energy drain” and apply it later.
  • Child: “Please read to me mommy”
  • Mom: “So sad, remember when you fussed about not sleeping on the floor last night and I said “energy drain”? Well that was the same energy I was going to use to go to the park with you. So sad….”

3 Must-Have Keys to Tailoring Love and Logic® Tools For Your Child

First, A Parent’s Success Story:

Recently, I received this email from a GREAT mom! When you read her note to me, listen for how she adjusted the tool for the personality of her child and how she thinks creatively about the tool application.

“My daughter is doing so much better since I started the class in the fall and we had last talked.  I actually found that too many choices overwhelmed her and she was acting out more.  When I backed off on how many choices she really sparked up.  So instead of choices at breakfast I just ask “Pancakes?”  and she responds with a yes please.  If she wants something different she’ll ask but pancakes is the normal (their frozen and reheated). I still find ways to give choices but just different and not as many.   The energy drain on the allowance works well too for both my kids. Her biggest issue is hitting.  My son’s biggest issue is his words to his sister.  I’m thinking I’m going to need to do more than an energy drain on their allowances for that, or I just need to be even more consistent and let them run their allowance down to nothing. 

“Thanks for teaching the class at the church.  It has been so great.  My husband totally gets it now after hearing you.  Old habits die hard for both of us but we’re getting there.”

Here is a great example of how great parents tailor the tools from Love and Logic or any parenting “program”. Each child, parent, and family is different. The most important focus anyone should have when they are reading, listening, or being coached in parenting skills is to adjust the content to the individual child.

Parents, no one knows your child better than you!

The key thing this mom did was to not throw away the tool of Choices but she adjusted it to make it helpful for her daughter’s personality.

Here are some ideas to keep in mind when a tool is not working the way it should.

T: Tailor

  • Tailor/Adjust some part of the application

R: Remember the Past

  • Look back, are things getting better or worse?

Y: You are the Expert

  • As far as YOUR kid goes – you are the expert of your child. No one else knows them better than you. YOU may adjust any tool for your child.

In Parenting, “Perfect is the Enemy of Good”

The last sentence is powerful! “Old habits die hard for both of us but we’re getting there.” She is OK with the journey and not making perfection her goal. I love the phrase “Perfect is the enemy of good.” She is a good mom!

Parenting Challenge with Empathetic Responses from Love and Logic® and 5 Tips to Conquer It!

Today I met with a mom who has been using Love and Logic® and her empathetic one-liner is “I love you too much to argue.” The problem is that she keeps arguing with her 10-year-old daughter. Back and forth, round and round until both of them are in total frustration and tears. When I pointed out to her that she was arguing, she got tears in her eyes because she knew what she had been communicating to her daughter.

The key to using one-liners is to disengage with the whining, arguing and negotiations. The only way a parent will use a one-liner correctly, is to repeat the phrase over and over.  Be sure to use a soft voice. I like to think of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. There is one more step to take. Walk away. If you stay in your child’s vicinity, you will be the audience. Keep moving! (In Love and Logic material you will hear this referred to as “removing the parent”)

Reserve your words for when you and your child are engaged in positive conversation and behavior.

To Sum Up Reducing Power Struggles and Adjusting your Empathetic One Liners Technique, here are some tips:

  • Check out the Empathetic One-Liners guide.
  • Repeat the empathetic phrase over and over.
  • Be sure to use a soft voice (even think Eeyore).
  • Keep Moving – Don’t give the disrespectful child an attentive audience.
  • Save using your words for a more positive environment with your kiddo.

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My Child is Talking Back When I Use the Energy Drain Tool From Love and Logic. What Do I Do?

Common Parenting Question About Energy Drain Difficulties:

I recently received a great question from a parent. It is a situation that occurs frequently, I know I dealt with it when our kids were growing up:

“I have an 8 year old and have been trying to use the energy drain with him. I started last weekend however on 2 instances, he had something to say back to me. First time, he said to me that he too has an energy drain since he lost some toy in response to me telling him it’s an energy drain. The 2nd time, he plainly told me that I couldn’t have an energy drain because I am not dead. So, I am kinda surprised that this technique is not working for him. What am I doing wrong here? The technique sounds great, I’ve been listening to the audio book but it all sounds wonderful until I apply it in real life. Please help.”

It is common for the child to “back talk” after a consequence has been issued, especially if the parent gives negative attention for the back talk.

Look at the triangle diagram in your packet (if you are one of my students). Notice the red section. “Empathy, Consequence (in this case Energy Drain), Empathy, Empathy…

Don’t Get Sucked Into an Argument With Your Child – Use Empathetic One-Liners & Remove Yourself

You need to keep empathy flowing through the back talk. If you respond to him during the back talk you are giving power to your son in the negative. Teaching him that arguing is the way to get what he wants…bad life skill. Here is an example:

Child says, “No, you can’t make me pick up my clothes”

Parent: “Bummer, that’s an energy drain” (parent begins to walk away)

Child: “You can’t have an energy drain you’re not dead”

Parent: “Maybe so”, “I know, bummer” (anything from the “one-liner” handout (parent is out of the room folding laundry).

I like to remove myself when there is back talk coming from kids. So you are combining Remove the Parent and Energy Drain.

In this case, you need to only use the energy replacement of having you rest and relax. Therefore, not providing something for him, such as driving him to his friend’s house, etc. He is not ready for doing chores to put the energy back. He will make it a power struggle. You need to stop the back talk because it is feeding him negative attention. Over time, you will be able to talk with him about how he wants to put the energy back in: such as doing chores or helping you rest and relax? When you see him stop the back talk that is the time to offer him a choice of how he wants to put energy back in you.